Emotions

Disclaimer: I'm not usually like this. I'm just feeling so much right now. I promise, there won't be a lot of stuff like this (That I share anyway. ;)) Just bear with me. It's not gonna be pretty, just raw emotion.

I like this one guy.

A lot

He makes my heart beat faster
My smile grow wider
My stomach get butterflies
And my cheeks get rosy

His eyes
They dance
His smile
That half smile he gets
His arms wrap around me
So secure
So safe

His kisses
They drip with such sweetness
So tender

His hands
Strong and steady
As they hold mine
Tight in an embrace

I miss you.

Mistruths and Freedoms Unknown

I thought I knew truth
Until I was lied to
And kept on falling deeper

I thought I knew freedom
Until I was bound
And kept on being a slave

I thought I broke free
Of these chains and ropes
That surround everything around me
Until velvet steel ropes covered my entire being

Then I met True Love
I met Truth
He ripped into my heart
Pulled all of my blame
and wickedness out
Ravaged my senses with
His all consuming love

He asked me if He could
murder all of my other lovers
These things that keep me bound
What am I to do?
These vices that keep me sane
He wants to be rid of

Rid me of my jealousy
Rid me of my hate
Rid me of my bitterness
My sin
My old name

Give me a new identity
I don't want the old me anymore
Identity in You
You are my everything now

Keep me from temptation
Deliver me from this evil
that pervades
and perverts
Rescue me
My King
Rescue me
At last
I'm Ready.

I don't wanna be

I don't wanna be the girl
That every guy likes
That wins everything
And is obsessed with herself

I like to look good
And I like compliments
But I don't wanna be the girl
Who thrives on these things.

I wanna be the girl
Who has one good guy
to stay in her life
To stay by her side

One who can live
without all the adoration
and loves to spend time with Jesus
One who can just laugh
and she's transformed.

I like having fun in life
And I don't need attention
I just want my Jesus
(and that one guy, of course)
to laugh with me
and go on adventures with me
Who's not like all the other guys.

*So it didn't rhyme. Who really cares? :)

I'm sorry

 While I am apologizing to the world for what religion has done to them and made them believe it's Jesus, I refuse to say what they're doing is OK. don't get me wrong, I love these people. But I cannot bear to approve. It just kinda flowed. This is my heart. I want to see hearts healed, lives healed and redeemed. This is what I want to see in my generation and generations past and generations to come.

I'm sorry

So sorry

I judged you according to the laws

I'm sorry

So sorry

That I showed judgement

and not Jesus' love

I'm sorry

So sorry

That I ruined the knowledge 

Of His love for you

I'm sorry
So Sorry
That I mocked
Instead of loved
That I spat on you
Instead of giving you the hug
You needed
Because you planned to kill yourself
That very night


I'm sorry 
So sorry
I should have been there for you
Instead I turned my back


What was I thinking?
That the Christians needed salvation?
Why was I so blind?
Not to see the hurt
The agonizing hurt
That bled from your arms

What was I thinking?
Condemning
When your best friend
Just got killed
Saying that it's God's judgment
Oh, God forgive me
For dashing my ink black
Condemnation
on your head


I fall to my knees
Tears pouring 
Messing up my 
Perfectly made facade
Arms wrapped around me
Lifting me up from my sorrow
Burdens lifted off of me
Freeing me of my sin
My perfect sin

Everything

One of my absolute favorite songs is "Everything" by Lifehouse. People say "oh Jesus is my first priority." As my friend, Mallory, would say, I don't want Jesus to be my first priority. I want Him to be my EVERYTHING. So here we go. Flying by the seat of my pants here:)

I'm giving up everything
So that You can become
My Everything

Curse my pride

That keeps me from You

Curse my arrogance

That makes me think

I am all that

Curse this unbelief 

That threatens to 

Strangle me here

Curse my human thinking

That makes me believe

You can't do it

Curse satan

he who gets inside of my head

And messes with my heart

But most of all

Curse the religion

That makes it all an act

When I should be on my knees

facedown

In awe of your glory

Burn me

Consume me

Mold me into 

A person with Your heart

embedded in my very being. 

Be my everything.

satan can't have my city.

 Hey guys. This is just what I want for my city...gatekeepers to pray, to intercede over my city. I'm doing it. Do it for your city. Stand in the gap for your family, friends, your enemies. Because satan hates it and my sole desire is to give Jesus the glory and to piss satan off. :)

Scarred
Bleeding
Broken and bruised
Crawling
limping
Taking a stand

Standing in the doorway
The gatekeeper watches
Keeping an eye 
Over his city
His region


Fighting
With the invisible
So coldly felt
Fighting 'till the end
Giving up everything
To keep God 
The God of his city


"Never!"
he cries
sending shivers 
down the shadows spines
They scream
covering their ears
"Jesus!"
No, no, no
They cry, writhing in pain


A light begins to shine
It seems from the gatekeeper
A glory from within
Blinding the shadows
As they slowly begin to fade

Standing on the hill
Looking over his city
His light begins to shine
And cover the streets
The homes 
that darkness had covered
Only minutes earlier
It began to spread to every corner
Every place


Limping
Scarred and bleeding
Hands raised to praise
His glory
Face lifted towards the light
Standing in the gap.

Silence

What is this, this silence that smothers
That kills?


Misunderstood
People taking my side
And blurring things
Unrecognizable
I'm misunderstood by you


I never wanted to be bitter against you
And still
I'm not
Yet the things that people say
That they write
Make me seem like a monster


I want your life to be good
And I want you to be happy
I just wish there wasn't this silence
I don't want a relationship
I just want friendship


How are you doing?
Are you sticking to your faith?
Are you being swayed by this world?
Stay strong, my friend
Stand strong in Christ


I feel like I cannot talk to you
Because of this silence
Curse this silence
This silence that kills.

What we like to imagine...

There are times in your life when you see that person who looks like that other person from your past. People you would rather forget. They look like them. Talk like them. Act like them.


Until you realize...it is that person. You just didn't want to admit to yourself that you're falling for them again. For that person who took your heart that you so carefully offered and threw it on the floor and stomped on it. 


You blinded yourself. 


You deceived yourself.


And when you fall, you fall hard. 

Farewell

I dreamed of you last night
You were my knight in shining armor
My prince
My fairytale love
This is one dream that won't come true


Yeah, dreams come true
But only the ones you work towards
And baby
I don't wanna work towards you
My phantom dream
Only for you to disappear
And leave behind my bent and broken heart


You see
I don't want my dream to include
Lies and mistrust
Deceit and hurt
I dream bigger than that
It includes God
And a relationship based on
Trust and Him.


I hope your dreams become bigger
And I hope they include truth and honesty
And peace. I wish you the best
I hope that you find true love
And don't let the past barge in
I hope your relationship with 
Him grows and you will
Become the man of God
I know you can be
And the man of God
You are meant to be


And someday, maybe we can
Be friends
Hopefully sooner than later
But for now
This is my farewell


♥

My outburst

I wrote this...some time ago. Well...a couple of months ago I guess. Just...seriously. Emotional outpouring. Completely. Doesn't mean I feel this way now. :-)(well...maybe parts of it, ha)


I'm so sick of these games everyone is playing. All of these hidden meanings have hidden meanings behind them. I never know what you're thinking and I don't want to get hurt. Oh Jesus, help me with this first cut, because it bleeds, and poison gets in instead of out. The difficulty of not knowing is tearing at me, I have a knot in my stomach. The emotions are taking their toll on me, I thought we were done with this? But no, more drama, more games, please cut the crap. Be a real man and say what you're thinking, what you're feeling. Be a man, and tell me the truth.

I need to feel cherished, to feel loved, why am I saying He's not enough?

the feel of his arms around me
disappear under a cloud of mistrust
can I ever trust you again?
Truly, never again
They warned me about your type
you playboys acting innocent
and you denied your earned title
and I believed you.
You piece of crap
you good for nothing liar
Words are your trade
Well who would have thought?
You covered up the lies
with sugar and spice
You told me you cared
How nice
Grow some balls
be a man.